Really there’s just
this one
She lurks in my bones
like poison in the marrow
I can’t fully extract
this journey of
spiritual transplant I’m on
makes her
more phantom
than
poltergeist
but she’s the
scar of Morgoth blade
wound that keeps on
wounding
resurrects like those
mythic demons who take on
childlike form
she is the small girl with
terror tears who
sits
abandoned
in that
space
you said you needed
Frozen
waiting for you to
come and claim her
She whispers that it’s
all my fault
all my fault
all my fault
I’m too much
or not enough to
ever win first place
in this
war for hearts
but now I’ve circled
back to sawing souls
in two and whether I’m
hacking limbs or
letting go of you
still she whispers
the issue
is not what I do
to show
I love you
Failure
is that I’ve already
lost you
or found my value’s
ringing up expendable
on your price tag
And It’s not just you
If it was she’d relinquish
this power over me
instead she
laundry lists the
loved ones who’ve
chosen someone else
over me
I carry every
forfeit
like it’s become my DNA
this catastrophe of complex
I cannot reconcile except to
accept her accusations that the
summation
of these incidents
the
Common Denominator
is
–Me–
so I went to my husband a
month ago
sobbing
asking
why is it always me
who gets chosen over
even if the other person is
clearly
blindingly
wrong!
He’d know
Even he
chose someone else
over me
Maybe that’s what makes
this monster
so complicated
that it’s not some
distorted vision some
illusion in my head
He paused
and said
“I can’t speak for —-
but
with me
it’s because I knew
You were the one who
wouldn’t leave”
Maybe
if I thought enough
of myself
to believe that this could be
I wouldn’t be spinning this
neverending mindfuck of a
web over you
I wish I thought enough
of myself
to believe such things are true
But she pokes inside my bones
reminds me I’ve come up lacking
Again
and
to see her for what she is
maybe I just need to
Accept it
maybe that’s
Just okay
to be the
one person
no one has to worry
about losing
because I love you all
too much
to raise a fuss
Learned to keep it inside
not let her out much
–You–
turned me inside out
and woke her up
and I’m sorry if I’ve
expected too much
from you
deafened by her whispers
I’ve been busy banking
on grace
to make me less
of a headcase
and part of that
is acknowledging her
so I can let her go
Love
the way she’s supposed to be
and make less of a
Monster
out of me.