Indie Author

Finding & Creating Beauty in Unlikely Places

Second Attempt

I couldn’t stop listening to this song while I wrote this. The lyrics are inconsequential; this is the sound my soul was making.

The way I love you
wouldn’t cause any notes
on a scandal

yet every contact I
get from you is a high
it’s true
I drop tears from
missing you

just as the selkie
weaves sea glass from
salt to remember the place
she longs to return to
I remember you

Those who think they
know what’s between us
would surely be disappointed
if I admitted I miss the smell
of your hair when you’d hold
me close, it’s not because I
covet that which is not mine
to have or to keep

there’s a Spirit that wove
this thread between us
and for me no other
explanation is needed

Love, I don’t wanna weigh you
down with gifts you don’t want
with stupid things
like cooking you food
like laughing with you
being your safe place
in bad dreams
an anchor when everyone
else is busy making waves

Love, I don’t wanna weigh you
down with offerings you
no longer need
I am but a poor replacement
a stand-in mother but I
love you like the real thing

I am a strange hybrid of
loved one and friend but
you’re a permanent heartstring
like the real thing

Love, I don’t wanna weigh you
down if I’m the only one
bending in the heavy of
living without the other
In this, one of my longest
years, I’ve tried to grow
a tougher skin
a tamer tongue
a safer distance
All the things I think you want

But with you
I fail so easily
You, I have loved
so recklessly

But if
when your feet
touch ground
when you’ve tired
of flight if you find
the fixed point of
my soul is still
in your sights
come back to me.

Beautiful Things I Learned This Summer

Today wrapped up a five week poetry workshop that I had the opportunity to facilitate. Here are a few thoughts from my fearless, beautiful participants that resonated with me. They are truths I will carry with me:

“I hurt easily, because I love deeply”–Belinda

“[poetry is] an appropriate way to express inappropriate things”–Maria

“I AM perfection”–Kristen

Thin Places

“A ‘thin place’ is a term that…in Celtic spiritually…refer[s] to places where the distance between heaven and earth seem gossamer thin.”

I have this text
from you
I kept
after things got bad
after I’d deleted the rest
too painful to remember
all I thought was lost

It was
the last time
you’d told me
you loved me
the last time
things were good

Since then
You’ve tied knots
in our elastic thread
more times than I
care to admit

I’m coming to the understanding
that I may never understand you

Loving you
has never been a choice

The only conditions
I’ve placed on it
have been unconditions
only that’s not entirely true
Because if it were it wouldn’t hurt
So fucking much to love you

My breath humming over
those knots in
rosary contrition
in prayers & poems & psalms
I hope will unravel them

If I’ve expected
too much from you
it’s because you gave me
what I wished for
a dangerous thing
for the inner girl

so used to conditions
so used to losing

You
are a faultline
all too capable of
breaking me
Either present-full overflowing
or empty
Either a tidal flood of your voice
cracked open
welcome at your door
Northern light calling me in

Or I have no clue
what you’re thinking

Now
The only person
standing between
Me & You

Is You

Which scares me
It means that
from now on
the silence will
only have to do
with me

I’m working on the breaking
on Balance
With you
I’ve always been lacking
You’re the only one
I’ve ever loved this much
with restrictions

I won’t make excuses for
Projections
all I wished could be
It’s been unfair of me
Maybe
to want or expect
adopting you into daily breaths
hurt when being your home
was borderline reality
a ringing in my lungs louder
when I’m empty

Emptier with every whisper
telling me I’ve over-stayed
my welcome
said you’ve grown sick of me
said you didn’t really want me
that my affectionate ways
Overbear
Suffocate

I’m piecing together shards
prying lose fingers clinging to
conditions

I stopped reading that text
these past few weeks
instead I content myself
to pray for you before I sleep

I’d rather wait now
For the “I love you, too”
I may or may not get

I’ll love you
better for that

For not reaching in vain
towards all I can’t have back

I can love you
just the same
from any distance
whether or not you
need me to

Whether or not you
Unravel our elastic thread
I still feel you
In thin places
Less like barbed wire
More like remembering
Home.

A Poem for T

The chains he beat me with
got nothin on these reigns
wrapped round my heart

I keep it on lockdown
Don’t feel quite warmth
or words you whisper
They fall on stony ground

Still I tell my nightmares
to you
tired
of bludgeoning demons with
blunts
tangling up our tongues
twisting sheets my eyes
are perpetually sleepy
but open

My ears eager to recognize
your voice in my night
when all lights
go out
like a permanent imprint
your sound
storm shelter

You
a melody I want to hum
but am
deafened by red rum
I never see his face
but am haunted nonetheless
I still hear him

Your fingers
trace alchemist constellations
up my arm
across my chest
down my pants
a down payment to the new
slave master

There are no victims
in victory
so I
keep these chains he
beat me with rusty
with angel dust cannabis
sunsets amber oceans

I bob like a cork in
the riptide of my
own making
I could rip me in half
so easily
with a laugh
and a shrug
and a lie

How the chains he
beat me with
got nothin on these
reigns wrapped round
my heart.

Summer Approaches

–I’d like to dedicate this poem to the woman I heard on the radio the other day, whose mother suffers from schizophrenia. Who said [paraphrased], “Thirty times, we lost her. And we got her back. And we lost her. And I grieved her every time.” ┬áThank you for perspective. And hope.

 

I am struggling
to live up to
my proud words

in my heart

I am floundering
this dry, lonesome season
outstretched like a crucifix
my feet affixed to a path

no choice

but to force forward
look to the East

But in my heart
I am not brave

and I am struggling
to live up to
my proud words

Not to the promise
I gave you
to love you
no matter what

Loving you is easy

Not to the truth
that I would offer
my very life

to help you
save you
resurrect you from
razor-sharp coral
you keep trying to
swim through

No, dying for you
would be easy

This silent passivity
being asked of me
is not

It’s not in my nature
to keep quiet
not fight for you

But remember
I know enough to know
that I could in fact
hack away at hardened
coral flesh til my
fingers scraped to bone
til my tears ran black
til it tore us both
in two

But what good would it do?

I know enough of sawing
souls in two to know
I can never do that
to you

But in my heart
I am not brave
and I am struggling to
live up to
my proud words

The Spirit says
I have to
otherwise
it is not love
and nothing short of Love
will do

I cling to that
when my fingers tremble
over keys I won’t press
calls I won’t make

when I burst into tears
at the mention of your name
when I recite poems
like prayers
when prayers are the only
Voice I’ve got
when the Void won’t
let me rest

I remind myself

Silence
is the love
you’ve asked for

And whether desert,
forest, sky, or sea
My Love
For You
Remains

True North
An eternal hoping
A resting place for all my
proud words

May

I keep thinking
I’ll make something meaningful
out of this
a little beauty for ashes

I walked the Appalachian Trial
this past weekend
crossed your road
J asked
“Do you know where you are?”
Yes
I’m in the wrong May

I wanted to go back
to the one where you
pointed out the path
for us
said
“The Appalachian Trail
runs through there”

I wanted to walk until
that road veered into
broken asphalt and dirt

I wanted to find last year’s
May there I wanted to do
what I wanted to do
then
cotton wrap your skin
fold you into Home

But I couldn’t get across
that double line
fast enough
I could’ve walked til
my lungs gave out
I can’t outrun
this May
fast enough

Jaymes Young:
screw you!
Forget Pandora too
I’m tired out being
cut out of my skin
every time I hear you
and Big Jet Plane
I wanna set fire
to the laptop
and hug the speakers

I rediscovered
Tori Amos
and
myself
in her randomness
I wish I could
scrape such beauty
from my consciousness

Lyrical fusions
tethered to nothing
then she’ll drop that
minor note wrap
God’s fingers around
my throat
plead
There must be something
here

I’ll sit through five minutes
of Baker, Baker nonsense
for one moment of raw truth

I’ll hold my breath through
God knows how many months
of silence
for
one
luminous truth
one I still love you

even if it’s just
an echo
bouncing off
the canyon
last May
was shoved into.

In Between

Today
I remembered when
a hand reached around
this door frame
warm fingers over mine
like I
was something exquisite
to touch

I remember when it didn’t hurt
this much to stare down a
crowd
wonder if I’d see you
there

When I didn’t dread
locking eyes with her
a face so like yours
now I can’t shrink into
corners far enough to
avoid
those
eyes

I wonder
how I was good
to anyone this
year
despite what they
tell me

Grief persists
whether or not the
blame is assignable

The Void
won’t fill
where only
You
fit

It is a heavy
hollowness
Congratulations
you’ve taught me
something new
How we hope
because we have to

How I’d just as soon
remove an organ
as recollections
of You

My love
for you
a voice box with
no lungs
still singing

Thoughts of you
elbow into
every quiet space
I pushpin them to
a thrice-opened wound

Too full of the loss
of You
to feel anything
but ocean floor
When I remember.

Declaration

I just want to go numb
be done with four-letter
words bearing weakness
so vividly
I just want opaque
withdrawal
out of body
astral extremity
no pressure points putting
pressure on you on sagging
limbs tired of hearts
too heavy to balance
too salted with my tears
too scalded with their
Unjustified jealousies

only ever

Love Out Standing Stranded
Love Opposite Simple Sincerity
Love Over-Stepping Self

Love Only Surviving Sin
Love Only Surviving Sorrow
Love Only Surviving Separation

Love Only Selling my SoulZen
Love Only Seeking Sanctuary

Love Only Searching my SoulBrother
Love Only Seeking my SpiritSon

Love Only Sewing Salvation
Love Only Saying Someone
LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT

Dally

Our inner bard only knows one song
One story we collect in our vocal chords
We got sidetracked the other day
talking about The Outsiders.
I had just seen the film and it moved me,
cause I know those kids.
You said, “Yeah. It’s one of
the two books I’ve actually read.
Y’know Dally? He’s my favorite.
And HE died!”
And all I could think was
Baby, you ARE Dally .
He’s boys like you, taught to
equate the fist with the size
of a man, when a dick’s all a
blow makes you
Taught to treat tears like soiled pants
something to feel ashamed of
You learned kindness exposes
your groin for the kick
Softness a foreign word you
can only decipher if the sex is bad
and I wonder how many tail tucks
it takes to turn a dog junk yard vicious
Or forget the taste of tenderness
Dally, is it too late to remind you
to watch a sunset?
You were once a Pony
so go on a treasure hunt for
the gold they stole from you
Cause thorns smothered your
kingdom while all the adults were
sleeping
And if they’d loved you at all, they
would have at least offered you
a spindle and a needle
I get it
Even Ponies can forget
the taste of a sunset
But there’s green in those
poems you spit
In that Lost Boy banner you wave
So pissed with those
confederate-shaped
rage-colored waves
carried on the wind you think
nobody notices
The mushroom cloud
The blood-stained boot
The fusion
I get it
Dally was Dally
His end
was always going to be
the same
But You
you were once a Pony
Til they broke your legs
& made you hard
But it is not to late
to go on a treasure hunt
And reclaim your sunset.

Evoke

Foreign Fields
you played in a cold cabin
five am on a
November morning
while my husband & brother
were hunting I
waited in darkness
to run the deer

in a green army jacket
and an old beach chair
staring at a still black
sky through pines & a
dirty windowpane

I could not cry

until I imagined
resting my head
against his collar bone
evoked gray eyes
messy hair
mischievous grin
I mourned
like morning was a
hope I’d never feel on
my skin again

November taught me
Loss
is a living death
the blade points inward
and if You hadn’t come back
I would have grieved you
eternally.

Cobain
you neon angel
we both smelled like
Panic in the days that
He who was dead
yet speaketh

it took trauma
in serrated edges
& night sweats to
bond us
we escaped into
Pearl Jam, Bronte &
backwoods streets

He gave me Mira, a locket
filled with his blood
mornings I’d hold my breath
on the other side of a
locked bedroom door wait
for him to wake up
my bed
was the safest place
for him to sleep
during the day
and he gave me a reason
to rise from it
someone I wanted
to be strong for

You
were my first true Phoenix
& we know what it means
to be beloved
brothers in arms
we proud two
me & you
we survived

Jon BJ
Oh my!
I used to kiss the
shiny paper tattoo
on your four sheet
foldout daydream
before I fell asleep
at night
& she & I
broke our hearts
over your fictional
seductions

idealizing the kind
of love neither of us
knew from fathers
had enough of disgust
or indifference

She & I were two
halves of a have-not
playing at placing
fairy tales in beautiful
bodies long after Barbies
got old

Sister
I want to tell you
that the love at least
was real
we carried it in stars
under our tongues

And Brandi
for the boy who
grew up too fast
and knows the lines
across my face

are only for him
for me
to tell them to

I struggle to find
words to evoke the one
I belong to
so long my second soul
that we move in single
breath

I don’t exist as I am
without you
oh yeah well it’s true
that I was made for you

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